As I stand at the bridge waiting to cross over into Singapore's two year ceremony of manhood, many things start racing through my mind. That and perhaps Magical Midnight, where your mind starts going seriously cranky.
Everyone who has learnt about my imminent conscription has inquired in some form or another whether I think I'm ready for it or not. And to all who have asked I have given the same answer - that I am more worried about how my present commitments will fare without me than what they might possibly do to me in Tekong. And yet in my solitude I wonder, can I really take all their nonsense? I've long since come to terms with myself that I am a highly emotion-controlled person. If I want to laugh, few can stop me; if I want to cry, I can hardly stop myself. I believe I am prepared for it, but it honestly doesn't take much to corner me and make me lash out before I can restrain myself. I'm not an animal. Just an emo kid. Haha.
I was just thinking about how my friend who flew to the States to study at Buffalo for one semester was so blessed to be able to travel back in the comfort of SIA Business Class. It wasn't a lucky upgrade or anything - his dad could afford to pay for it. And I thought to myself, as I have so many times in the past, "I want to be able to provide effortlessly for my kids like that." But how much does it take to even be capable of drawing such money? Nothing that a job under someone else can provide, probably. How long will it take to bring myself above that level? No idea. How far up can I go? No idea. Will I even have kids to care for and nurture for?
No idea.
Girlfriend? Fiance? Marriage? Wife?
No idea.
Even if I never reach those levels, will I at least be able to see that my parents' every need is swiftly taken care of? Will they live happily and contently till they pass on?
It is a curious sensation when you realize the weight of the world before you, a sensation my kids will possibly never experience, if the above questions are given a "Yes to All". A wondrous mix of feelings rising up in your chest, bubbling and simmering. The first sensation among it all that you would recognize is fear. Fear for your safety, fear for your survival, fear for your happiness. And if you wait on it, you recognize that overshadowed bit of excitement, of anticipation, of curiosity, even of mild amusement.
And perhaps, for those with a God or Supreme Being to look up to, if you let that all vent itself away, if you patiently search hard enough and wait long enough, perhaps you will find that lightly but distinctly glowing nugget of hope, hope and assurance, that everything is going to be ok, that Someone has His hand over you always, that stones rocks and pillars will be flicked shifted and torn out of your way, just so that you will be able to walk straight through the path you have always wanted to walk and will always want to walk. For your God, it may be the reward for your staunch devotion to Him or Her. For my God, it is only because He loves me so very much, so specially, so uniquely, and that if only I seek first His kingdom, all these things shall be added to me.
The secret to a free and fulfilled life may well reside in this nugget that is ours to use to our advantage. All those other boiling feelings will slowly eat away at it, and when finally not a single shred of hope is left, you end your meaningless life by committing suicide, or sink yourself into superficially entertaining activities to hoodwink yourself into being happy. Or you could let those feelings leave as swiftly as they come, and blow, fan and nurture that little seed of hope and assurance to expand and fill your heart, leaving no room for anxiety or worry to hurt you.
It's all about choice then, isn't it?
/rant
PS - If this gets to Ping top 10, all your hooha about deep posts not being sufficiently ponged has just been utterly mooted. Hahaha, ich bin fucker.
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5 comments:
You are not alone dude. I have just as many worries as, perhaps even more, than you.
Try to progress one step at a time?
Gambate!!
Aye good sir. One day at a time, and carpe diem while we're at it.
Gambatte back to you! ^^
I agree with the rest: One step at a time first. While you are there, you can plan what you wanna do when it is over. Then the real "Game of Life" starts. Don't worry now whether you gonna achieve the things you want in the future. The most important thing is to take action instead of just wondering. If you work hard for it and you want the results bad enough, you'll get there.
i'm also experiencing the same turmoil as you are, especially when i'm starting to consider whether to settle down outside singapore.
just try your very best for everything, because you'll know that you have put in your very best and that's what that matters.
Someone has finally grown up! Bwahahahahaha! XD All the best for NSlavery. At least these 2 years you'd be kept busy away from having headaches over those things. :p
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