Being There

Doesn't life bring oddly amusing moments right in the midst of sadness? A couple of days ago my best friend in SIM told me that his girlfriend dropped the bombshell on him. It's been quite awhile since I was that shocked, although it felt more like puzzlement as to how the hell things could have turned out this way. I didn't exactly think it was a match made in heaven, but from all I'd observed I had thought, like him, that it would work well.

The next day I went to meet him as he took his things from her place. As the cab started driving and the rains started pouring (some would say the gods were crying; others that they were laughing), I learnt that not 6 hours after he had told me of his breakup, another friend of mine, though not as close, called him to cry that her boyfriend of sorts, our coursemate and mutual friend, had called off the relationship as well.

I don't treat this as a secret revelation shared among my BFFs. In fact I probably blogged and explained about it before. To my inner circle of friends (good friend, best friend, unbreakable), I feel a huge love for them. Nothing special, nothing hormonal, but I feel that as someone who is privy to that certain amount of trust, I have an odd responsibility to care for them in times of need, and just love them out of their misery.

But for all the pride I take in myself - being a comms student, a people person, an emotionally-tuned person - I feel terrible as a friend to have in times of need. If I don't say the wrong thing, it only means that I'm not even saying anything because I don't know what to say. For all the love I pride myself in being capable of giving, I still don't trust myself in hugging people freely, telling them that I care so much for them and want to be there for them. At the end of the day, as I'm on my way home, I ask myself "What have you done to make him or her feel better?", and what do I hear but silence, or else lousy answers. Can I really be there for them? Telling parents that I'm studying like hell when I'm playing mahjong just to keep them company? Having to leave by 9.30 or face the wrath of my parents for coming home after 11? Trying to balance between exams and this? So many questions I've asked myself since.

I want to do all I can for my friends. I'll probably be stupid enough to die unnecessarily for them. But do I have what it takes in the first place?