Sunday, October 12, 2008

Flatline

It does get overwhelming at times, when you have to rush through in two days the things you'd have rushed through before in 7. At times I feel as if I'm trying to speed too fast, leaving my senses, my purposes, my principles, all behind. At times I feel an inexplicable immense dissatisfaction, probably that I haven't done this or that right.

They say you don't last three seconds after that last sliver of hope is taken away from you. Sometimes I think that a situation that could come close to comparing to that is quite the other extreme - when you have so much hope, so many ideas you want to put forth and try out, so much to live for, and you're stuck in a place where individualism is possibly the last thing you want to exhibit. I love my country. I accept and believe that 2 years of your life is a small price to pay for the utopian peace and stability that has held us together through various storms. And for that reason I am proud as a Singaporean male to fulfil my duty and obligation, and serve NS. But the military is the military, and self-expression isn't quite in vogue there. You be yourself, laugh and cry, but a full bloom of one's personality is near impossible. Unless of course you're the type who prefers a certain routine order to life, or to let someone else think for you. Not being sarcastic - there are a couple of people I respect who are like that. They're not weird. They're not patriotic. They're just who they are.

And I am who I am. And if the military manages to permanently rob me of that spark inside that drives my entire existence on Earth, then I might well be a sad case of failure.

For now I'll still say, I won't let them.

Oh God confusion reigns my mind.

3 comments:

Khai said...

Hey there Renhao,

I'm able to relate to your post. I feel exactly the way you feel now. The worst thing, i'm really losing the momentum to serve. Sigh!

Eh, don't mind i quote your entire post in my blog. do visit it ya, theflyingnotebook.tumblr.com

I hope to meet up soon with you. For YOG, for everything. :)

Farinelli said...

Oy, what a surprise. Thought nobody would read. hehe

Jieq said...

WoW I'm studying law and I didn't understand that. It felt like a stream of consciousness thing so I take it to mean something bad. Dude take care. You know things get rough. But nothing's worth compromise for :)